Buyer's remorse at 5 months?

Warning: I never promised all sunshine and rainbows in this blog. It's a record of all that I'm experiencing on this journey, good and bad.

I've been having some emotional struggles this morning, so I hope you don't mind me "getting it all out" here. When I sat down at my computer this morning, I saw an MSN story about the girl who won the Biggest Loser competition (first female ever!). Wow! She lost well over a hundred pounds with the intensive routine that is Biggest Loser. Awesome, but also not very realistic for everyone to devote 8-10 hours a day to exercise. Then there was a link to another story about a woman who lost 230 pounds--the NORMAL way! You know, eat less, exercise more, healthy choices, etc. Nothing excessive, just consistently better choices. It took her two and a half years to lose the weight. (She probably doesn't have saggy skin, either.)

I started feeling like I had made a huge mistake in doing this. Like, if she can do it, then why can't I? Don't get me wrong, I love that I've lost 70 lbs in the five months since surgery. But why did I have to have major surgery to do it? Why couldn't I simply have the will power to reduce portions and get myself into an exercise routine? Why didn't I give it one more "one last shot?" WHY DIDN'T I DO IT THE NORMAL, HEALTHY WAY??? I will forever have a permanently altered gasto-intestinal system, all because I didn't have the "whatever" to do it on my own.

This was always my #1 reason for putting off having the surgery. I felt like I could/should do it the "normal" way. I finally gave in when my back pain was becoming completely intolerable and was affecting everything in my life. Am I glad that I had the surgery? Yes. My quality of life is already dramatically better, and I'm only 1/3 of the way to my goal. I guess what I am lamenting is that I lacked the will or strength to do what it takes on my own. I regret that surgery was my only way out, because I was too weak or unfocused to do it without having to have major intervention. Granted, it still takes a lot of effort on my part, especially when it comes to planning/tracking my eating and exercising regularly. So, it's not as if surgery did it all FOR me. Really, all the surgery does is make it so that I eat small portions and do not absorb as many calories (and nutrients!). So, why on earth could I not simply make myself eat less?!

In the end, I don't regret that I had the surgery. I regret that I needed the surgery--because I lacked the "whatever" to do it on my own. That's something I'll always have to live with, along with my modified GI tract.

LOL :-)